Tell me if this is you… where you’ve been always eluding or chasing love. And you always seemed to get caught up in the whirlwind romances..
You know the ones:
The one who pursued you wildly.. but then turned out to be narcissistic and would pull away once they got you. It was passionate and very high chemistry, but you often were left reeling from the pain they would make you feel.
The one you wanted but they would always not choose you. They would come close enough at times to give you the illusion that there was something there.. but never landing.. never confessing their feelings.. and let’s be honest, they were most likely never there and they just enjoyed the attention.
The ones who wanted you and were lovely people.. however, you didn’t find them “attractive” and felt zero chemistry with them and so you rejected them, found everything under the sun wrong with them, or sabotaged it so that it didn’t stand a chance.
Does any of those resonate with you?
Because it very much does for me.
My entire life I wanted love so badly… and yet I ran from it.
I met some of the loveliest people who did openly choose me.
And I liked them.. I genuinely did.
They were so wonderful… I can count 3 of them now in my past whose hearts I probably broke because I didn’t choose them and things ended abruptly before they could even properly start. I did a lot of forgiving of myself for that during my healing journey. They deserved better. And in retrospect, they were the best choices for me.
Except, I didn’t know that then.
Even though in my heart I felt safe in their energy.. it was my programming that was used to chaos, trauma and upheaval that would make me choose the ones who weren’t choosing me.. and be snagged by the “high chemistry” chaotic loves. All which would leave me with more piled on trauma and panic attacks.
It’s the chemistry you see.
If you are someone who like me, have lived a very emotionally unstable and chaotic life where you never received stability, support, affection and safety.. then you are very much wired to seek out the same.
Yes. This is for everything.
Your job. And your friends. Your life choices. All of them.
Most especially, your love interests.
Our relationships are the perfect mirror of where we are with our own inner self. They offer us a glimpse of our insides and the unhealed parts of us that need to be addressed.
So, it is no wonder that you seek chaos and upheaval in love since it is familiar to you. This is exactly how our subconscious programming works and our brains are designed to choose the things that it already knows.. not to choose the things that are better for you.
When we come across something that feels familiar like that, our brains send out signals of recognition.. and when you’re used to those high adrenaline causing environments, then we will feel instant dopamine rushes when we encounter that energy in another person. This is, in actuality, that high chemistry we are feeling with those people.
Yes. High chemistry is, in fact, a trauma response.
Sorry to burst your bubble over there.
There will be many people who deny this. But I understand this. Because it’s the exact same response that addicts will have. Denial of having no control over the fix that they require. Because that’s what it is. When you meet someone who is calm and not chaos.. they aren’t sending your adrenaline spiking.. and your body is addicted to that feeling.. and it has somehow determined that this is what your version of love is. We don’t want that “boring” love.. we want the high chemistry!!!
Learning about this response and why it was happening was a game changer for me.
For starters, I learned that you can change your subconscious programming so that you WON’T be attracted to those types of people anymore. And so I immediately went to work on healing my trauma and creating new subconscious programs and beliefs. Working with affirmations and hypnotherapy was instrumental in this and I even became a Certified Hypnotherapist so that I could add that to my roster of things I could help clients with: Changing their Programming.. especially, their dating patterns.
This is what I learned after all of this:
That “your type” is just a programming that was inputted based on your first experience of what love was.
That it only feels “boring” because we are highly addicted to constant chaos, upheaval & toxic love.
That we are afraid to receive love and do not feel worthy of being loved.
That it feels very uncomfortable to sit in the discomfort of that stillness when we have never sat with our own feelings before.
And last.. but certainly the most important take-away from this..
That healthy love isn’t actually boring when you finally arrive there. And that it’s actually the most incredible and deepest love that you will ever feel. It is safe, warm, full, calm.. and there is still very much chemistry. It is exciting; It is beautiful; It is complete.
Boring is best.. but once you arrive there, you quickly will realise that nothing about it is boring.
And that someone making you cry, keeping you guessing .. or waiting, stringing you along, making you feel badly.. and all of those things is what is actually boring and that you don’t want any part of it.
Boring is a state of being and when you’ve been primed to be in constant agitation.. anything stable will feel “boring” to you.
I may have passed up on those people long ago who were sincerely lovely… but sometimes the path needs to be how it was.
And I’m glad that I went to work on healing and changing my programming so that when life did present me with someone like this again, that I wouldn’t be so foolish as to let them slip through my fingers.
Me committing to my self-work has allowed me to be in the conscious partnership that I’m in now and it’s the most fulfilling relationship that I have ever been in.
The old me would have thought this was so “boring”..
.. but the new me knows better and that this is the absolute truest love of my life.
And I assure you that there is absolutely nothing boring about that. :)))
Much love, Giuseppina . xoxo.
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